Anxiety

I did not think that writing would be this, I don't know, stressful. Then again, I never thought I would write something THIS fucked up. This torture scene is going to be 5-10 pages long, and, at the end of it, I'm pretty sure I'm going to read through it, and say, "Jesus Christ, Derek. This is pretty bad." I've done this already at some parts of the book, but this is a fucking whopper. 70 pages in, and I'm going to write something that will desensitize my soul. Oh, God. Hahaha. I hope some good will come out of this, maybe I'll gain a little more understanding about how I feel, where exactly I come upon this shit in my dark little castle of a mind. I'll post some part of the scene up, give me some feedback, please.
Illy =]

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Torture scene =p oh, God.

Alright, so, basically, I really started writing my first torture scene today and it's really, honestly, like, disturbing how into it I have to get. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge fan of Bret Easton Ellis, and he gets really in-depth with his torture scenes, and as I'm starting to write this, I'm like, "Oh, my God, Mr. Ellis, how in the fuck did you do this shit?" >.< It's ridiculous. When you write things of this nature, you find out some things about yourself that you would really rather not have found out.
There must be some sort of dark place in all of us, and I'm exploring mine quite thoroughly at this point.
Anywaysssss,
Thanks for readin'!
Illy =]<3

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"Whether Or Not She Apologizes, I'm Going To Fucking Kill Her, Now."

I come into my apartment (still frothing at the mouth from the encounter with the bum in the ditch, just a little) to find Cristal naked on my couch, totally coked out of her fucking mind. There is a small mountain of my precious stash (less than half of what I had had before I left the bitch here this morning) on the glass coffee table, one of my ironwood cup-coasters half submerged in the white gold. For a moment, I am too stunned for words; to be honest, I had just known in my heart of hearts (three sizes too small) that something like this would happen. Another part of me screamed and raged inside of my face, "Kill her, kill that fucking cunt, kill her, there's a razor right next to her, KILL HER!" Yet another part of me realized that I should never have left the key to my safe on my bathroom counter, and that this was mostly my fault, that I shouldn't open Cristal's neck like she fucking deserved, and, oh, my dear God, was she snorting it with one of my new hundreds?
I slobber out something that sounds like, "One dead, dead bitch," to me, and then stumble towards her, my gloved and already bloody hands ready to do their dirty work again, for the second time tonight, but I fall just short of her, one of my hands skidding through my coke on the table, sending the powder flying through the air in a puff, and I groan in a tone loud enough to be a scream, really. Surprisingly, her eyes open halfway, and she wakes somewhat from her coma-like state, and I glare at her with my mouth open, fangs bared like a beast. She shies away from me, some part of her remembering something of how bad my temper can be, mumbling, "Oh my God, you're home, you're back-" and her bloodshot eyes dart to the table, see my glove covered in cocaine, and her mouth twists in a sick grimace. An apology, I think, an apology would be good right about now, might save your fucking life, you whore, but then my gaze falls on a crumpled hundred, new, ruined. I realize, as the red envelopes my sight and mind, that whether or not she apologizes, I'm going to fucking kill her, now.

"Why, hello there. What is your name, beautiful?"

I'd like to start blogging here as an aspiring author of existential and love essays. Most of my writings here will be dark, and, hopefully, quite offensive and eye-catching. I would love to hear your feedback =] I am writing a book currently that I hope to publish in a year's time, and I will be putting various parts of the novel up for reading here. Read it. Tell me what you think. I will walk you through how I come up with a lot of the fucked up ideas that are contained within the book, and maybe discover a couple of things I didn't realize about my writings and about myself along the way.
illy =] <3